This week, I have been doing a lot of reflecting. I suppose that goes with the territory. Five days ago, I lost my grandmother. One can never truly prepare for this day, but my family and I did not have much time at all. That in itself has made this a harder pill to swallow.

Ten days. Ten days is all it took from the time she was admitted into the emergency department to when she left us.

My grandma was regularly active on Facebook. It was her entertainment and she ‘liked’ and/or commented on all my posts. On June 15th, 2022, I noticed I had not seen grandma on Facebook for a few days. That night, I meant to call her, but the day got away from me. June 17th, 2022, I still had not seen her on Facebook. About 10:30 that morning I called her and left a voicemail. Grandma was not one for answering phone calls, but she typically will return a call if a message is left. I also decided to send her a message on Messenger because I knew that would be a faster way to get her attention. An hour or so later she still had not opened my message. I decided to call the Assisted Living facility where she lived. Even though grandma lived on the Independent Living side, I figured they could still check on her.

I called the office and spoke with the receptionist. I told her who my grandma was, and she confirmed she had spoken to my grandma about 20 minutes prior. She also mentioned that my grandma was waiting for her son to visit. I felt better – for the time being. By early evening, I still had not heard from her and she still had not opened my message on Messenger. I started to get a weird feeling. Intuition, I suppose.

Just after 10:00 PM that evening, I received a call from my mom. I instantly knew something was wrong before I answered. Mom told me that her brother had just called her and said, “Mom is in the hospital and dying of cancer.”  What? And that’s exactly what I said to my mom. I was trying to comprehend what she was telling me. I was also trying to understand the timeline. Why did the receptionist tell me earlier that she had spoken to grandma? My mom’s brother first told my mom that grandma went to the hospital the day prior. I was ready to call that receptionist and chew her out. However, I also knew that my mom’s brother was more than likely three sheets to the wind. It was that time of night, plus factor in what is going on with grandma, it was a recipe for disaster.

The next day I talked to my mom, and she said she was waiting for my auntie to pick her up and they were going to the hospital to visit grandma. I called the hospital and before I asked to be transferred to my grandma’s room, I asked the gal if she could tell me when my grandma was admitted. She told me grandma was admitted at 7:00 PM on June 17th, 2022. I needed the clarification of the timeline because so many things were not making sense to me. I was then transferred to my grandma’s room, and she answered the phone, but it was not my grandma. It was extremely hard for her to speak and harder to understand. But she knew it was me. She sounded scared and she was crying and calling out for her son. I remember her attempting to say she could not talk now, and I told her it was okay and that I loved her.

Later that day, my mom called me. She informed me the hospital would not allow her and my auntie to visit grandma due to Covid. They’re only allowing one visitor in its entirety and my grandma’s son had claimed that spot. Mom did have more information on grandma’s condition. The day prior, grandma had fallen while showering. She lay on the floor screaming for help for two hours. A neighbor finally heard her and called 911. The paramedics arrived and grandma sent them away. She refused to go to the hospital. When her son arrived, he called 911 again. The dispatcher told him they were already there, and she declined their assistance. He insisted they come back. The ER physician ordered a CT scan and it showed cancer had taken over her body, including a brain tumor. The physician believes the cancer had started in her pancreas.

The last time I had seen my grandma was in late February 2022. I live three hours away, so I don’t get into town where my family lives too often. That day, grandma looked good, and she was her spunky self. She said she felt okay, minus her normal aches and pains. We visited for a little over two hours. Had I known that was the last time I would see my grandma the way I knew her, I would have stayed longer and made more trips into town. No one knew.

Can you imagine going to the emergency department, thinking you’re solely going there to be checked out from falling and then to be told cancer is spread all over your body and you’re never going back home? I cannot. I thank God she was not in pain, but I wonder: if she had a brain tumor, why did she never have excruciating headaches? Were there truly no symptoms she had experienced, or did she have symptoms and not tell anyone? These are questions we will never know. I can only imagine how my grandma must have felt when she learned of her condition. It breaks my heart.

On June 20th, 2022, my mom called me and said she and auntie were going back to the hospital to see grandma. I questioned how they would see her since they were not allowed in on Saturday. Mom informed me that she spoke with her brother, and grandma had declined. They were determined to see her, and the hospital did allow them to see her, one at a time.

I took emergency time off from work and went to the hospital the next day. I tried to prepare myself, but I was not prepared. As each day passed, she declined more. It was still difficult for her to speak, but she was talking as much as she could. She asked me about my fur kid, Doon, and the neighbor kitty, Taz. Grandma always loved to see their pictures on Facebook. Grandma asked that I come back later because she was so exhausted and needed to rest. I told her I’dsee her later and I loved her.

My mom, auntie, and I went back a couple of hours later. Grandma’s spunk was not gone, and she’d been yelling at the hospital staff. That’s the grandma I knew and loved! I visited grandma the next day and she’d declined from the prior day. I had to head back home the following day, but my mom kept me updated each day on grandma’s condition.

On June 26th, 2022, my mom called me and said the nurse told her it could be any day. I immediately packed a bag and rushed to the hospital. Grandma was no longer able to speak, but she knew we were with her. My auntie and I played her a couple of her favorite songs: Neil Diamond’s, Sweet Caroline, and Rod Stewart’s, You’re in My Heart. Grandma smiled.

Early morning on June 27th, 2022, my mom called me to tell me grandma had passed. Even as I type this, I still cannot believe she’s gone. I did not see her too often, but I miss her terribly. Of course, now is the time I have all the “should have’s” playing in my mind. Even though grandma never answered the phone, I should have just called her weekly. Even if she didn’t call me back, she would have known I was thinking of her. I should have made the drive into town at least once a month to visit her. And now it’s too late. Everything happened just so damn fast. It isn’tfair.

During my drive back home, I was listening to the radio. I came across a station playing Rod Stewart’s You’re in My Heart. Even though this song was a hit, I have not heard it on the radio in a long time. I may no longer have a grandma, but I do believe it was her, and I know she’slooking over me. Grandma, you rest in peace now; and give my love to great-grandma and great-grandpa. Love you always.